How do we make space for others? Those who fall into the middle-class demographic, those with jobs, families and good social supports, are usually dealt with in a “treat others as you would like to be treated” manner. There is an inherent reciprocity with we middle-class people, we expect others to treat us with the respect we treat them and likewise we are determined to treat others as they have treated us. And it usually works out, the patterns of behavior are clear and it is relatively obvious how others see us. I remember my dear mother reflecting on who to invite to what occasion based largely on who had invited her and determining how much to spend on various gifts based on what others had purchased for us.
I work a lot with people on the margins. Folks who have limited resources, limited social supports, and limited self-esteem are bound to feel the sting of exclusion and judgment in a way we middle-class people cannot imagine. There is required, in the work with people on the margins, a suspension of the “rules of reciprocity”, we simply cannot expect others with limits supports to give us what we give them. That is the most common reason that marginalized peoples get left behind, they don’t conform to our norms, they can’t invite us to their parties and they lack the resources to buy us expensive gifts.
In my efforts to make others feel welcome I do not expect anything from others. Jesus’ model of care was pretty clear.
Luke 14:12-14
Jesus said also to the one who had invited him, “When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, in case they may invite you in return, and you would be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you, for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”
But having made space for others I feel the need for these same others to know that my care is spread to still others who need my care. In other words those on the margins should never be expected to participate in our tit for tat middle-class reciprocity but I do think everyone needs to be aware that no matter how great my need may be there are still others with needs as well. I do not think it asking too much for any of us, no matter our demographic, to ask of others that they be aware of others’ needs as we are aware of their needs. I think empathy, compassion, being aware of others’ needs are not reciprocity. They are basic human qualities we all need to be in community.
I know when I was very down at one point in my life I thought there was no one worse off or more in need of care than me. And I needed care more than others. I do not it was wrong to ask for more care, to receive more care, to admit I was vulnerable and in pain and in need. But at several critical points in that struggle I needed people to remind me I was not alone in my need and it did not hurt me to offer care, even in my sorrow and sadness, to others.
John 5
After this there was a festival of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate there is a pool, called in Hebrew Beth-zatha, which has five porticoes. n these lay many invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; and while I am making my way, someone else steps down ahead of me.” Jesus said to him, “Stand up, take your mat and walk.” At once the man was made well, and he took up his mat and began to walk.