stillness

Sitting sit. Sometimes it is a matter of spinning your wheels, sometimes it is something else. That’s what I have learned. There are moments when I am sitting or standing on one place and I wonder “what’s next?” Other moments of stillness feel quite refreshing, I am alert and aware but not anxious about what comes next. I don’t want to privilege these moments more than they should. I also really enjoy energy, moving into a place of action, thinking thoroughly through a matter and coming to some understanding. Task and thinking are two very important matters for me and I hope they remain with me for some time. But a new and growing sensation inside me are moments of refreshing awareness.

This morning I was up first in my household. I opened the curtains and felt the breeze of the wet morning. I was not anxious about tasks to be completed or matters to be figured out, instead I was just present and letting the morning remind me of the blessing that can be life. There is such a feeling of life in the air, perhaps because it is summer and everything is so green and lush but I can’t help feeling connected to all the growth around me. I don’t feel growth inside me or even rest, rather I feel awareness, openness and being alert. There is a kind of sensitivity to what is, a mystical sense of awe and wonder.

When I can get there this place is a portal to sensations I otherwise would pass over or miss in my rush to do and think. Again those impulses are good and I thoroughly live for them. Anxiety can come when I am too focused on task and thinking, when my brain goes into overdrive and the means becomes the end. But in proportion task and thinking are the motor and the rudder of my life. This new experience of stillness is rare but it has found a place in me, it is for me a letting go and basking in what is rather than what can be. The old expression, “sometimes you just need to stop and smell the flowers” has resonance.

I think nature connects to this still place for me because it is not something I will, I played no part in its creation or well-being. No one did. It is not like a building where I admire what the architect did or a paining where I marvel at what the artist brought to life, nature has an origin that defies such credit. Nature is a gift and my only response to it is pleasure and thanksgiving. And in those moments I bask, I sit under and I am moved to feel grateful and delighted.

This is a gift, it is not for me. It’s a gift for all. There is something about the collective nature of this creation that further moves me from my own space to a feeling of connectedness to everything. It is impossible to be selfish and self-centered when you come to realize that all of this is for all of this. It is not all for me, it is all for us. Maybe because I was blessed to have been raised with love I don’t need to hear constant messages of “it is all for you” but I find the sensations of collective gifts far more moving than gifts offered to me personally.

When I am truly still and aware the feeling I get is one of connectedness, to everything. It’s not “it’s all about me” rather it’s “it’s all us”. And I rejoice in the way all of us are connected and gifted and full of life.