Why do people try to fix others' problems before fixing their own problems of the exact same nature?
Why try to solve problems in other’s lives that you could solve in your own life? You are keen to see the problems in others that mirror your own. So those similar problems in others are the ones you'll tend to be interested in. We tend to see ourselves mirrored in others before we see ourselves. It's an odd phenomenon, for sure. There's a painful emotion associated with our own problems. When we see the same problem in others, it feels less intense. It's easier to tackle something that you can walk away from if it goes off the rails. Tackling the same problem in yourself requires a high emotional pain threshold so you can see the problem in the first place. Then, solving the problem requires you to accept either you will fail and the problem persists, or you succeed and your life changes in unknown ways. Both results can feel scary.
It can be much easier to see a solution more clearly if you are on the outside looking in, as opposed to being the person on the inside, the one living with the problem. This is why it can really help to talk through problems with people who are not directly involved in the problem. If you're on the inside of it, it is easy to think about it to the point you're going in circles, to introduce so many if’s and but’s and possible scenarios, to dream about it, and to be emotionally involved, that sometimes you cannot see the wood for the trees. The person on the outside does not get tangled up with these things, so can see the picture objectively. That is the reason why people do not always act quickly on their own problems, ie it can be hard to find the solution because of all the ‘white noise’. But helping others solve theirs is easier because you are analyzing it from the facts you know and what you see, rather than actually living it.
And there is the Dr. Phil phenomenon, that cathartic feeling of putting someone else under the microscope and telling her/his what is wrong, a supreme act of judging that people who normally shun that term indulge at that very moment they assume they are helping. There is an unconscious feeling of “well I may be messed up but at least I am not as messed up as her/him”. It helps us to sleep better at night to know others are worse off than us. Is this healthy? Of course not. Is this human, I think so. But ultimately it is a shield or a deflection from our own issues, it feels better focusing outward on “them” and their issues. We say over and over and over, “if only s/he would listen to ME”, yet we continue to carry on with our own flaws, often these flaws are similar to the ones we have identified in the other.
Some people are “fixers”, they live to correct or change or solve other persons’ issues and they can only imagine themselves as saviors of the world. To think of one’s self as a broken person who needs others as others need us is sometimes a bridge too far. That mirror in our home is exclusively used to fix our hair, not to look deep into our soul and seek transformation and healing.
It could be worse! Being focused on helping is not the worst thing in the world. Imagine not caring at all, being so focused on yourself and what you want that everyone is a potential source of resources for YOU. Helpers are not like that. They genuinely want to make the world a better place. That is a good place to start with those focused outwardly, to affirm their kindness but to redirect some of that energy to themselves, so they are being consistent, as the Golden Rule states, to treat others as they would want to be treated. Surely if we are trying to “fix” others we will want others to help fix us.