One of the things that truly drives me around the bend is listening to people feed off one another’s grievance with regard to how institutions or individuals make decisions. “If only s/he/they did this” I hear and then comes the “common sense”, the “obvious” solution, as if those making the decisions being question would never have thought of this prescription. It boggles my mind how people in groups feeding off one another’s grievance imagine their advice is so clear and straightforward that anyone would be a fool to disregard it. The truth is everyone and every organization wrestles in real time with the options available to them and while the solutions they find are rarely perfect and often flawed the critiqued outcomes are “considered” actions, meaning the decision itself is the product of a lengthy debate.
The irony for me is that the one venue where groups tend to overlook obvious solutions is a small gathering of life-minded persons. Most families and most institutions have within their ranks people of different opinions, even different experiences (in families older and younger members experience the world around them with very different expectations and norms) while those sitting around a table at the coffee shop or the water cooler are likely to be of very similar outlooks and ideologies. So as I listen to these conversations what often seems like an obvious question to their common sense solutions rarely gets asked, much less considered.
I confess there are times, when I find myself involved in these “feeding frenzies of grievance”, taking a contrary position, defending the decision being critiqued, not so much because I think it was a good one but rather because the “group think” is so limited by any diverse opinion. “Group think” is the enemy of considered reflection and it rarely produces helpful alternatives.
The kind of conversations I hear that stimulate me are thoughtful comments that don’t come from self-interest or certainty but rather when someone says, “You know I used to think this was the way to go but lately I have been hearing from folks who know more than me and they are telling me…” At that point I am starting to feel like a possible solution may be at hand. I learn most from smart humble people who listen to others and offer constructive alternatives.
I also have grown weary of the tired old saw, “THEY will probably do whatever they want anyway…” This passive lack of agency is rooted in grievance and insecurity and rarely offers much light to complex challenges. My experience is that THEY are usually keen to hear from us and find it frustrating so few people will share their wants and wishes UNTIL the decision is made. Give someone who lives in grievance a position of power and it does not take long before s/he is saying, “you can’t please everyone.” In fact my experience is those who complain the most about decisions are usually the ones who reach out least to seek opinion beyond their knowledge (they already know the answer!).
If you want to make a difference the key is to know what you want, find out if others agree or what they think of your idea, share the refined version of your idea with someone in a decision making capacity and hear why the original decision was made. Finally, ask the decision-maker why the new and improved idea you are advocating would work or wouldn’t work. If you truly believe you are right keep lobbying (respectfully) and offer yourself to be a decision-maker. It’s a process and the process is usually effective but the best means to achieve your goal is to be constructive. Sitting around a table with like-minded people in grievance-mode is rarely constructive and almost never constructive.