When we seek a relationship what is it that we are looking for? Is it loyalty, it is partner in fun and adventure, is it companionship, is it affection and affirmation, is it mutual interest, is it a shared history, what is it that makes this long sought after experience worthwhile and memorable? I have given this much thought. In my own life relationship was once something I wanted from a small number of intimate friends. Then later I wanted less intimacy and more diversity, more friends! Later still I was not sure what I wanted from these experiences and pulled back, I became more isolated. Now I spend most of my time working and reserve the time for relationship to be with my wife and daughter. But the question does not change, what is it I want from a relationship?
I enjoy diversity and knowing people who stretch me. However, I don’t want a relationship that pushes my buttons, that is overly dramatic or needy or full tantrums. That tension, finding people who are fun and interesting to be with, who are not like me and at the same time to be people whom I can trust not to be dramatic, needy or volatile, this is the challenge! Luck for me I have three jobs I love and two people at home who give me more than I could ever ask in terms of relationships. Collectively work and home offer me diversity and mutual interest and fun. Occasionally there is drama, neediness and volatility in my work life but I knew that going in. Those “downsides” are a small price to pay for all of the amazing experiences I receive by doing the work I do, with the people I do it with. I am blessed!
At heart I want less loyalty and more understanding, I prefer someone who “gets me” to someone who is always going to tell me what I want to hear. I like being challenged but challenged in a way that does not include drama, neediness or volatility. When I look at the friends whom I have known for long periods all of them challenge me, none are exactly like me, all offer a perspective and a body of knowledge I would otherwise never know. And they are fun! Having a particular type of sense of humour, edgy, slightly sarcastic, silly, almost absurd, is an absolute necessity to me.
What is it that you require to be in relationship? What are the gifts of that person whom we seek out, remember and celebrate as part of our lives? Without getting too intense or serious what are the kinds of people you would like around when you are getting old and dying? It is true that we simply cannot, should not, go looking for specific people like some kind of job interview! BUT without some sense of what we need in relationship it is hard to discern what kind of folks we should be making that extra effort to know.
I meet lots of people, now that I know more about myself and those who bring life to my life I am clear about the folks I meet whom I want to meet again, to set a time and date for coffee. This self-awareness makes me a better friend, I don’t give others the wrong impression by seeming to offer relationship when that is not my intent and the right impression by letting others know when I do in fact want a friendship of some kind. It’s all about self-awareness and discerning our needs.