Lately I have thinking about why I have spent the better part of the dozen years without any feelings of grievance or resentment. I am honestly not sure how that happened. I am relieved to be spared this affliction, especially when I hear all of the pain and hurt these feelings inflict upon the psyche of so many. When in conversation someone references a concern that I or someone else is judging them because they are not smart, successful or accomplished enough, when people seem to spend so much time and effort to prove their worth to me or others, when people recall a criticism from many years before, out of the blue and without any connection to what we are about in that moment, it just makes me so sad. It’s painful to watch.
Years ago I used to think the way to help mend this pain was to affirm the other, over and over and over again. But I found this approach had very limited success and usually the positive feelings it provoked very short lived. I believe deep down people know when they are being flattered, it sounds like pity and even when the recipient seems pleased to hear the praise it does not take long for the insecurity to reemerge. My more recent response is to voice genuine appreciation for the gifts of the other, but only when these gifts really do catch my attention or the attention of those I hear. I believe genuine/authentic words of praise, especially from someone as unsentimental as me, might just sink in.
Like most people I needed praise and carried more than my fair share of resentments and grievances. Despite having a relatively easy middle-class life, despite being white and male and heterosexual and thus privileged, I felt life had dealt be an unfair hand more often than not. I often felt I worked hard, always went the extra mile and held my tongue when people stepped over the line of politeness, so why didn’t things go more my way? Why didn’t people notice my gifts more, why was I being overlooked? I recall the punk/new wave music of my youth helped to fuel some of this pent up frustration. It was easy to find targets; people who seemed to have it easier, people who seemed lazy, people who had advantages I didn’t, looks, money and slickness.
Even worse I spent 7 years serving a church that were far too generous with praise and affection. Not only did this go to my head, it fueled even more resentment, why didn’t others see what these people saw? But then it all came crashing down. I moved to a community where no one knew me and I made mistakes. Rather than balance these errors again my past successes these folks (remember they did not know me) thought me flawed, they did not like me. At some point in my saddest days I began to do some honest reflection and discovered I really didn’t know much, couldn’t do much, that my gifts were limited. You might think such a revelation would make me even more discouraged and despairing. To the contrary, I felt liberated.
Honest self-reflection did reveal I had gifts; I was a decent public speaker, I had a quick mind, I was good at analyzing ideas, situations and people and I had my mother’s good memory. But beyond that…no very much. Again this clarity was a gift itself, self-awareness the most wonderful offering I had ever received. Suddenly I could take delight (not pride) in my gifts, not be overly worried about my lack of gifts and rejoice in the many, many gifts of others. Instead of feeling resentful or aggrieved about what others had I was just astounded to see what I had, despite my limitations. This was not false-humility, I knew what the flowery clichés of praise could never teach me, namely that I had some gifts. But I also knew what I didn’t know, what I couldn’t do well, what instincts I lacked. And that was OK. No, it was better than OK, it was the truth and the truth had set me free.
I still have struggles; impatience with others, when others display dramatic flares of emotion, when people look backward instead of forward, and I rarely handle these struggles well. In fact my reaction to those challenges are usually me at my worst. So I have a lot to learn from wise souls in my midst and strangers I have yet to meet. But for the last 12 years I have been able to walk without resentment and grievance and it has been my constant friend humility that has kept these debilitating forces at bay. This thanksgiving I give thanks for the gift of humility, it has given me that I could ever imagine.