Last week I had coffee/lunch with a friend who is the father of an adult living with mental illness. The illness is very serious and there are times when his son leaves town and makes decisions that are very problematic. When my friend does not know where his son is he worries. Things are better now, his son is on medication that seems to be working, and his son is in school and living on his own. But none of this takes away the uncertainty of worry and concern.
At one point over lunch my friend looked at me and said, “Uncertainty is something we must all learn to live with.” I think this is true. I like to be in control of my world, part of the reason for my OCD tendencies, my clothing stored in colour coordinated ways, my books assorted likewise, and my surroundings organized for easy access. But even I know this is a delusion of mine, thinking I am in control, the truth is none of us are in control. I know that tomorrow can bring changes I do not expect or want and I will need to deal with these. Our culture, that privileges agency and positive thinking has concluded that the way forward is resiliency. Who can be against being resilient, have the capacity to deal with life’s ups and downs is an asset and focusing on how we cope with change is always a good idea.
But I think there is something for us to learn that is threatening to the spirit of our age, namely that there are things we simply cannot control. As an existential reality uncertainty was likely the way of the world for most of world history but in these times we have come to think otherwise. I think about the famous expression of Hobbes, “Life is nasty, brutish and short.” Now we think that like is beautiful, fulfilling and long.” That is until it isn’t. Finding out your adult son has a lifetime of mental illness to navigate, that you have a troubling diagnosis, that the job, relationship, or institution that has been your north star is now gone can shake you to the core. And there it is, uncertainty.
Some theists respond to this crisis of faith by doubling down on certainty. Worried about tomorrow? It’s all predestined, God has a plan, don’t worry, believe in the plan, and rewards will come your way. In days gone by this mantra placed its promise in the afterlife, now God’s rich blessing can and will happen in this life too, sooner than later. Buddhists speak about living in the moment, removing the anxiety of past and future and taking from the now all that is being offered.
But does any of this really take away the sting of uncertainty and anxiety? Maybe. But as a minister I constantly meet people who previously placed all their eggs in the predestined basket only to discover that the bad news kept coming. Their conclusion? They must be doing something wrong, believing something wrong, they were either being punished or being taught something hard for an even better outcome.
I have come to believe that human life is fragile, broken and uncertain. My response cannot be to imagine a world where I live forever in constant happiness and ease. Instead I pray for understanding, purpose and renewal. It may not be that my God removes pain from my life but I do experience deep joy when I live as though I am part of a universe with connections to everything, everyone. There is a mystery to that revelation and I cannot say I always know how to express how I feel and think about this reality. But I do know that when I live as though Jesus is my North Star, that the Spirit is an energy that reveal where the Truth is and isn’t, that God is a Creator that creates with love and intention, I feel at one and at peace. That space is not one where uncertainty goes away, it is one where I can live with uncertainty and live well.