What does love look like? How do you know when you see it, feel it, touch it, taste it, experience it?
Two quick responses. A friend of mine once commented on the challenges both liberal and conservative minded people face when living out a commitment to love. “When it comes to conservatives they like to love those who are familiar to them in familiar ways. And when it comes to liberals they like to spend all their time writing perfect invitations to guests they likely will never want to meet.”
The other reflection comes from a former assistant who lived at a local L’Arche home. Nathan told a faith community I was part of, “The words my community long to hear are not I love you but rather you belong. Why? Because the members of L’Arche have heard people say I love you all their lives but then either treat them with pity or not show up at all. When they hear some say and live You belong they know it by the spirit behind the words and presence of the people saying them.”
Throughout my life I have witnessed people who use the word love as a tool to pull and tug others into a set of behaviours that appear to be love to them. If love is to love one’s own then the practice of love is to love one’s kin, to reinforce the familiar and honour the connected. While not overtly distancing one’s self from others the reality of spending all of one’s time with those we know leaves little love left over for the other. Moreover the other is suspect, s/he cannot be sure the other is worthy of our affection. Best keep one’s best for one’s own.
And I have also witnessed persons who spend so much time being inclusive and using the most careful language that little attention is given to the act of hospitality, the greeting, the recognition, the sharing of stories, the breaking of bread together, the companionship of presence. These folks will scold the poor fool who gets the invitation wrong but excuse too easily the host who leaves before the guests arrive.
Love is not a task. Love is not a deed. And love is not words. And I am increasingly of the view that love is not always a feeling (heresy!). For me love is a connection, it is being part of something, it is valuing and being valued, it is an experience of organic creativity, of wonder in the other and discovering gifts inside that reveal gifts outside and vice versa. I experience love when there is interest and space and celebration of the other. Deeds are good, as long as they are not tied to reward, for then the deed is but another word for reciprocity (Jesus was not a fan of that!). Inclusive welcomes are great, as long as the words are not self-righteous self-congratulation but rather making sure everyone is in the room so I can meet everyone.
As the Pretenders once sang, “When love walks in the room, everybody stand up…” That’s my kind of love.