What are people looking for when they reach out to us in crisis? When I was a seminarian at a good liberal Christian institution the foundation of our pastoral education was “reflective listening.” All of us learned the techniques and the theology of giving space to the other, letting the other find the answer s/he already had deep inside. The theology behind the technique was simple, God is working inside us to bring forth Good News, we need to listen to the still small voice. The trouble arises when we are in crisis or turmoil and the noise inside and outside us is such we cannot hear that still small voice. We require good listeners, people who give us the time and the space to share our feelings and thoughts. The listener does not interrupt with their agenda or helpful hints, rather s/he only inserts her/himself to clarify something, when the person in crisis is not making sense to the other the chances are strong the person may not be making sense to themselves. It is a helpful technique to suggest to the person speaking that s/he may need to clarify what they are trying to say.
Besides clarity there is little other reason for the listener to speak. What we were taught to say, in responding to a lengthy offering by the one in crisis is, “What I hear you saying is…” Again, what this technique does is offer the speaker a chance to 1) know s/he has been heard and 2) hear what it is s/he is saying, we don’t always know what it is we are saying when our talking is rapid and emotional. More than once the person speaking would say to me after I summarized what I had been hearing, “Yes, that is exactly what I am saying!” Being heard is hugely important to everyone. Knowing the other is listening and really understanding what we are saying is a great tool for self-awareness.
But my challenge is this, not everyone who comes to me in crisis only wants a listening ear. While it is true that many people offer advice not asked for, that telling the one in crisis “well that happened to me, so write this down, this is what you need to do…” there are times, rare, when a person in crisis really does want the listener to offer an opinion, suggestions, another way to think through their issues. I am grateful for the gift of training I received in seminary, that taught me to respect the answers people already have deep inside them. My assistance to them in hearing those answers with reflective listening is a wonderful way I can be of assistance to people in crisis. But I have also learned to keep an open mind about requests for specific suggestions, resources and other ways to think through challenges. It is not my default response anymore but offering the collective wisdom I have acquired these many years from persons in similar crisis is still an option.