When I first starting taking the Christian life seriously it was the Gospel stories where I began; absorbing the sheer insight and beauty of their message and the incredible pull they had on my life. In short the Gospels appealed to the two dominant sides of my personality; abstract thought (the meaning of these stories) and “boots on the ground” effort (the effect or outcome of these stories). John’s Gospel infused me with a philosophical ethos (the Logos), Luke’s Gospel helped me navigate where to turn first (the oppressed).
Later in life, as I moved through my late 30’s and all of my 40’s I had my first and only bout with depression, I experienced joy on a level I could never have imagined (Lucy came into my life) and Kim’s influence of being comfortable in my own skin gave me a solid grounding, caring less and less about the influence of others. During these lows and highs and discernment I came to rely on the Psalms and their wisdom and deep connections.
Now that I can see retirement and experience conversations about mortality on a daily basis I often think about how I measure what was, what is and what is becoming. I am a worrier, a doer and a thinker, so I tend to imagine potential challenges and begin to work on possible ways to mitigate these anxieties. Personally this means removing all forms of debt from my life, removing the daily distraction of drama as much as possible and doubling down on living a life of purpose and meaning. At the end of the day, at the end of a career, at the end of a life, what will be left? For me there will be mistakes and lost opportunities but there will also be moments where I met the challenges set before me, made a difference and facilitated deeper connections. I see myself less as one who has the network of extensive friendships and more as one who hosts and creates conditions necessary to make these connections grow. My deep connection is three-fold; my wife and daughter, my daily walk with God who sets me straight and keeps me true and the work I do with communities to broaden and deepen their life. The space where all three of these connections meet is in my story-telling and story-making.
As I reflect on this my mind goes back to a conference on ministry I attended a decade ago, each of us was asked to name a scripture story that informed and defined our own ministry in the church. If I did that today it would be Luke 14.
On one occasion when Jesus was going to the house of a leader of the Pharisees to eat a meal on the Sabbath, they were watching him closely…When Jesus noticed how the guests chose the places of honor, he told them a parable. “When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, do not sit down at the place of honor, in case someone more distinguished than you has been invited by your host; and the host who invited both of you may come and say to you, ‘Give this person your place,’ and then in disgrace you would start to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit down at the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher’; then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at the table with you. For all who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Jesus said also to the one who had invited him, “When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, in case they may invite you in return, and you would be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you…Now large crowds were traveling with him; and he turned and said to them, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple…So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions…“Salt is good; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; they throw it away. Let anyone with ears to hear listen!”
I am not one of those who looks back at my life and says, “I was good then and now I am bad” or says “I was bad then and now I am good.” I was always good and always bad, I made mistakes and I got things right. In my younger years I tried harder to be liked and thus I was kinder. But I also took less risks and did not always say or do what was needed. I was less humble then, but also more concerned with making everyone happy. I am more humble now but worry less about everyone’s feelings. Better? Worse? Neither and both.
I share all of this to say each of us needs to find the measure of our happiness, by what metric do we judge our life’s work and vocation? For me it is Luke’s call to the table, to finding space for everyone, to the cost of discipleship, to the call of family not defined by our culture, and to a salty faith that sometimes heals and sometimes stings. This is discipleship.