Naming Your Loss – Meeting your grief
Loss is one of the many things that makes transition so difficult. Grief is a natural response to loss, whether that’s another person or simply a part of our daily routine. While grief is an opportunity to process our sadness, many of us go to great lengths to avoid confronting those feelings.
It’s easy to understand why we do this. Grief is overwhelming, especially when we haven’t been able to name it as such.
We all react differently in the wake of loss. Instead of numbing, running from, or even hating our sadness, let’s move towards it. Remember: grief is a personal journey, and there is no “right” way to progress.
Some people are confused by me. They know I am not a typically emotive person, not one known for sentimental or emotional displays or reactions. And yet when I speak, particularly about loss people will become very emotional. So the theory goes, if I elicit emotions I must be emotional. Right?
Not so fast. What people are doing in those moments are two common things; they are assuming because they feel a certain way, I feel that way too. It’s a common reaction, all of us normalize our experience and then expect others to be like us. You hear this all the time, person X tells a story about himself and person Y responds, “Oh, I know what you mean, that happens to be all the time.” But the other thing going on here is what I am doing and the reaction that causes. What I typically do in a spiritual context is name what it is we have lost. Even in death we can be confused or even overwhelmed by the loss and not really know what in particular we have had taken away from us.
I have seen persons in families very emotional and upset, but in a kind of general way. They know something is gone, their mother or father, their friend, but that is all they really know. So there is sadness, a numbing sadness really. So they march into the funeral service and sit with their kin. They have their Kleenex, their eyes are moist, and they know this is going to be hard. But then the Words of Remembrance are shared, and if the speakers are effective, if they are able to articulate the specific kinds of things those who grieve are going to miss, there will be a piercing moment as these are named. “Oh my, I am going to miss that person I could just call anytime…I am going to miss the way she brought us together…I am going to miss that laugh….I am going to miss his goodness, etc…” What the specifics are named it cuts through the generalities and the numbness and it gets us deep inside. We know what we are missing, what we have lost, and it hurts.
What I do effectively, though not always as well as I would want, is to help loved ones name their loss. Because I am able to hear stories and insights and experiences that are not my own (many people have filters that prevent them from hearing any voice that is different than their own, they always end up experiencing the other as them) and because my mother gifted me with a good memory, I am able to articulate a narrative, not mine but of the one we have lost, and those listening can hear it and experience it for the deep loss it is. Obviously, and this cannot be overstated, as the Minister my limited interaction with that person can never adequately sum up who that loved one was/is. Impossible and I do not pretend to do that. BUT I do have 10 minutes to share some of the losses and because I am not maudlin or sentimental or general in my assessments I can drill down to the specifics and give examples. If I did not know the person, ie the funeral home called me and asked me to participate and preside, I have done my homework and listened for several hours to the family and read all of the online condolences.
Some of my colleagues, who are more in touch with their emotions than me (that would be the other 99%, can emote themselves and thus elicit emotions as a consequence. That is not my gift. I remained contained and limited in my emotional displays in public. But what I can and do offer is the ability to name the loss and in so doing allow the pain of that loss to surface in those who are grieving. A modest offering but one that often is appreciated.