There are a lot of balls in the air. This is a busy time for me and the numbers of specific people I am attempting to assist are many. I visualize each and every one. Some I can see are being helped by a few things I say and do. Some I wonder if my contribution is really a net positive, or if I am only a distraction. With some I wonder if my words are missing the mark entirely. And with a few I feel I am not able to connect with at all. They are beyond my grasp. But in each case I take the measure of the moment and do my best.
I know I am far from an expert in anything. In my world there is no medicine or diagnosis or new legislation or definitive judgment that will immediately make a difference in another’s situation. In my world there are only words and my presence and the suggestion of persons to speak with or an article to read. None of these words or actions work in a vacuum, there is context and the emotion and history of said situation. So speaking words after the other has been through a hellish day might be appropriate or not but these same words spoken after a calm and peace-filled might have an entirely difference effect. I need to know the moment, the way the other is coping in that moment and what hope looks like in that moment, to find the right words.
My manner of addressing all of these balls in the air is to keep an eye on each and every situation I am aware of. That means actually writing their names on a piece of paper. Looking at the names, ten in this case, gives me a sense of the scope and tone of the challenge each person is facing. I pray for them. My intention is partly informed by just saying her/his name. The act of listing them, in no apparent order, helps me to know who to call first. I cannot explain why but just listing the name and saying the names brings clarity.
I don’t start with the hardest call or the person that is most immediately at risk, I start with the one where is most clear I know what I am going to say. Sometimes that means the most challenged person on that day, and sometimes that means a person who is not in any immediate difficulty (it is just obvious it is coming to that). I will sit and call and when finished ask myself if I know what I am going to say to any other name on the list. And so on…
After calling each person I evaluate how the call ended, are there people I need to see in person or should that wait. If I do think a personal visit is important I will wait till the next day to call again and this time to ask about a visit. If not I will hope to see the other in church or elsewhere and take the temperature then. But all the while the list of names get folded and placed in my pocket. I will take it out, from time to time, just to assure myself I am doing all I can to help.
One change in me over these three decades of ministry is that I no longer expect or want people to follow my advice, if in fact I even offer any. I learned a long time ago advice is only a small part of being with others in crisis. My advice now usually takes the form of asking people to consider talking with others who had dealt with similar challenges and appear to be finding their way. Again my advice now is less about prescribing certain behaviors or remedies or strategies or philosophies but rather offering relationship with people I have met who have a life story to share that may speak to the one I am listening to now. Referring people to others and their stories removes me from the part of expert and releases me from being the expert who then checks up on the other to see if s/he is following my plan. If the other finds another path I hope that will work.
The only interventions I tend to make are ones around red flags, when the other is pondering behavior or thinking that is guaranteed to lead to pain for them and others. The other intervention I make is to celebrate positive changes I see in the other. It does not matter if these changes had anything to do with something I did or said. The important thing is to see the other happy, engaged and working it out.
Finally, it is important for me to know that at the end of a long day I successfully gave my best to each name on that list and that I also kept an open eye and heart to those who crossed my path that day who needed my attention. In other words it is important not to focus so much on the names I have in my pocket that I miss new names who are crying out for my care. My role is not as a fixer or even as counselor, rather I see myself as a disciple, someone modeling a concern Jesus and his followers shared for those they met as they passed through village after village. They kept a lot of balls in the air. And the Apostle Paul did too, even expressing in my many letters joy in knowing he had met someone or some group and together they had worked out some challenge to a satisfactory and grace-filled conclusion.
May it be so tomorrow and the next day…